My Own Little World

I'm not sure what I'm doing here, and I suppose that's what will make this turn out wonderful.  I FEEL foolish, unsure, unsteady.  Not because I'm coming to this without purpose, but because I seem to have lost hope and I believe there's a faith I need to have and that part of that is not knowing what's in the future but living in peace in the present.  To believe that there is some reward I will receive one day for the effort and joy I'm putting in to blog.  When I choose not to communicate there is a part of me that feels suffocated from community.  I'm trying to put thoughts and create some happiness and community around the life I'm living.  I have a huge heart and I say that because I may appear foolish to some yet its an honest expression of love I honestly feel.

I'm tired of living parts of my life without purpose and passion.

What am I doing with my life these days?  I am so disconnected with people from my past.  Well, seems to be that I have found myself in the place of motherhood.  No, I'm not a mom for real, yet.  But I don't mind placing myself in that role or being thought of that in a way for now, because the kids I have I don't consider as some foreign object that I don't care for, they are like my children.  The older two, 8 and twelve, aren't really like children to me but I love them and they bustle with joy.  I have too much love in me for the baby twins that are now two, not really babies at all anymore.  I have a full time nanny job with a family, with no fancy words to add on to that like, "outside the bustle of Brooklyn" or something like that.  I drive daily and its honestly hard to get up in the mornings.  I'm a night owl and to hoot my whoooo in the morning is a little bit on the tougher side of things.  I'm extremely emotional and feel things very deeply, but I'm sure you already know that.

What's something God has been teaching me?  To be content.  To practice the presence of God meaning just to sit in a room with God and be silent before him.

I need more rest in my life.  Prayer is a breath of fresh air, for sure.  Fellowship has been rejuvenating.  I wonder more and more what my purposes in this life are and how to fulfill them.  I know I am weak and that is precisely more convincing for me to try and make my life more desirable to myself.

Here are some photos of my loves.  The top is Mina, little Wilhelmina.  My, what a joy.  I could not imagine my life without her, yet I'm unbelievably blessed to have her in my life.  Many little joys I have from her.  I laugh so much.  I get exercise with her around.  She's a little wisp of willow joys and little stories.  Their family is precious and is moving to another little (bigger) house in the city they are in.  Partially because, another little blossom is being added!  I am thrilled to welcome soon the added member to the family.

The next photo is of Nadia.  Nadia is two now, and I started being more in her life when she was thirteen months old.  Nadia and Izzy are just a part of my life that is impossible to delete from a description of me.  They are my mornings, the best part of my day is lifting them from their cribs.  Vivian is on the bottom, and I will see her tomorrow, along with Mina, her big sister.

I hope to improve my writing as I grow.  I hope to use adjectives, simplify, pierce hearts with my writing.  I'm striving to become who I was created to be.  I know God loves me flaws and all, and I want to use my gifts that are from him, and the joys I have, to glorify, honor, and lift him high.  I want in this next season of my life to grow, become more organized, rest more (so there is a time for typing and a time for peaceful rest and a time for getting little cleaning tasks done).  All is for His glory.

As I sit here at home and drink lots of tea, may this season be merry for you as it is for me.  I'm celebrating fall hard and anticipating all God has for me in this next year.  Unknown adventures are worth saying yes to when God is on your side.

And now, a few pictures of the three of us (Vivi, Mina and I) on a walk, me not pictured.

Much love, 

Ashley

P.S.  Feel free to shoot me an email if you want to chat more!! mckpak1@gmail.com